Rhetoric, the art of argument, had its start in the courts of Ancient Greece. The Greeks understood the power of persuasion and its advantages.
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” is the title of Dale Carnegie’s 1936 bestselling self-help book. Notice that “win friends” appears first. Dale understood argument and its advantages, and he understood what argument is not.
Fighting never won an argument. Hitting your opponent with a stick does not make a friend. Beating the other side down will never lead your audience to your side. Fighting is not arguing, just as is winning is not prevailing. If done properly, arguing can be a good experience, can influence without offending or excluding and can draw people together. Persuade me and I may want to be your friend; beat me and I may never.
How can argument work for you?
Aristotle had three words for the basic tools of argument: logos, ethos and pathos. These are the stuffs of which effective arguments are made and friends are won.
Logos is argument by logic. “Do what I want because you are stupid” is not a logical argument because people are not stupid. Stick to the facts and never attack the person. “Do what I want for these documented reasons, which will also make things better for you,” is pretty good argument by logos. You have provided supporting data for your side, and you have shown how the argued outcome will help the other side. Unilateral argument is seldom effective. If the facts logically allow, make your opponent your partner. If the don’t, try another approach.
Ethos is argument by character. “Do this because you can trust me” is effective argument when the person across the table knows they can trust you. Establish a reputation for ethical behavior before you play the “me” card. Demonstrate trust before you ask for reliance. “I don’t lie” works if you first said “I can not tell a lie, it was I who cut down the cherry tree.” It may be legend, but I think George Washington understood the importance of character in convincing thirteen arguing colonies to become the United States.
And, if nothing else works, there’s always pathos, argument by emotion. Loud screaming and wiggling on the floor will work if I just saw you get hit by the library cart and I am sympathetic to your needs. It should not work if you just want your way and fall down in a temper tantrum. The key is in the word “sympathy,” which derives from the word “pathos.” If I can share in your feelings, I may sympathize and have compassion toward you, and I could favor you and want to help you. The emotions you want arguing for you are not your emotions, they’re the emotions of the folks on the other side. Ralphie’s Father in the 1983 movie classic “The Christmas Story” remembered his first BB gun, and he felt it would be pathetic if his son could not have the same experience. Thank you Jean Shepherd for writing perhaps the best picture of pathos. Play to the feelings of others and the feelings of others may work for you. “Put yourself in my boots” can be a pretty good pathos argument, especially if the other side remembers standing there holding a new Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock.
As in many things, it is often better not to go it alone. As the young Musketeer d’Artagnan announces so nobly “un pour tous, tous pour un” (“one for all, all for one”). With that, d’Artagnan joins “The Three Musketeers,” Athos, Portos and Aramis, in Alexandre Dumas’ rousing 1844 novel of adventure and comradeship. To which, rhetoric and argument stand in debate and respond with raised pens and loud voices “logos, ethos, pathos” (“logic, ethics, sympathy”). They may not win a fight, but those three working together can surely win friends and influence people.
Good arguing to you and make a new friend today,
Grandpa Jim