Before balls were rocks.
* * *
“Ouch, that hurt!”
“Young Prince Og, Junior, it is I, Benjamin Frankenrock, Thinker of the Tribe. Let me assist in the discovery of your new game.”
“My Dad, King Og, said you were in France.”
“I have returned from my travels in space and time, Little Prince.”
“I see that you have. You wouldn’t happen to have a band-leaf? My toe is smashed.”
“As I minister to your wounded appendage, Fleet Lordling, may I suggest a few adjustments to your competitive endeavor?”
“Shoot.”
“You, my Fledgling Noble, are attempting to invent the sport of football.”
“I would call it foot-rock, and it’s not much of a sport.”
“It will be in the future, my Injured Aristocrat.”
“Dad said you’d talk like this. He said to humor the Big Head. Ok, when?”
“In the far days of FIFA and The World Cup. Then shall be great competitions of speeding teams kicking, heading and shooting rocks into waiting and guarded goals. Oh, those will be the halcyon days of fore.”
“Benjamin Frankenrock, you are off your noodle. There is nothing fleet about kicking rocks, especially big ones. It’s like getting socked. The little rocks work better, but they’re more difficult to control. We tried melons, but when you head a ripe fruit, it gets very messy and gooey and everything slows down.”
“Your persistence, Diminutive Ruler In Waiting, is commendable. By those endeavors, you have unwittingly stumbled on name for your game. ‘Soccer’ it shall be called from its painful origins. And, as you have experienced, rules shall be important to the survival of the sport and its participants. Your pubescent pugilisms have pointed the way. Heading and kicking shall be allowed, but no arms or hands. And a net is needed, so the score can be kept.”
“There will be no scores with rocks and melons, Benjamin Wander Thoughts. By ‘score,’ I assume you are talking about those number things you scratch on the cave walls. It’s hard to tally with a dragging foot and drooping head. The sport is too hard to progress.”
“Exactly, my Sagacious Sageling. You need to invent the ‘ball.’ Remember the ‘Clothing Rule’ your Father, the Grand King Og of All the Cave People, did institute — with my help, of course.”
“Now, that was a good idea. Body coverings. Furs in winter to protect from the environment and shorts in summer to enjoy the environment. You did good with that one, which is probably why Dad let you come back to the tribe. But, tell me more of this new ‘ball’ thing”
“Old clothes, my Ruler in Forming, what happens to the old clothes?”
“The rags are soft. We stuff them together for pillows. That was your second best invention, the ‘pillow,’ which is probably why Mom told Dad to let you come back.”
“Such wise parents you have, oh Doting Teenager. Don’t forget the ‘sewing.’”
“Ok, you have a head on your shoulders, Benjamin Brain Tease. That was the other reason Mom and her lady friends argued for your return.”
“You budding wisdom is exceeded only by your penchant for praise, my Ogling. Now, if I may, why don’t you suggest to your talented and beautiful mother that she sew a round skin casing and stuff some rags into your new ‘ball’? Then move to your newly netted field, with your crowd of player friends watching, and kick and head away. Before their eyes, you will have invented socker-less Soccer. The adulation of the mob will ensure your advancement to the throne of your ancestors.”
“Brilliant, if I do say so myself, but I will let others, with your encouragement, say just that. Now, what was that FIFA and World Cup you mentioned?”
“Later, my Young Sports Originator, by my wrist sundial it is almost time for Germany and the United States to play in the Finals for Group G. The winner will advance to the Round of 16. From there, who knows, perhaps the championship of The World Cup of Soccer. Brazil, Chile, Columbia, Uruguay, Netherlands, Mexico, Costa Rica, Greece, France, Nigeria, Argentina and Switzerland have already advanced. I am on the edge of my rock. These are exciting times.”
“You are full of strange names, Benjamin. What are these ‘exciting times’?”
“More ‘when,’ my Tantalized Cro-Magnon, and ‘when’ is just around the corner, a millennia or two away, now that you’ve invented the game itself. I’ve got to find a seat by the set to watch the show. Don’t worry. I’ll be back for your soccer game, the first ever soccer game. You cannot imagine the fun you are about to start. Truly, there is much fun awaiting, my Ruler To Be, much fun awaiting.”
* * *
That Benjamin Frankenrock does have a way about him.
Oh, by the way, it is almost time for the game.
Hurry, don’t be late for the show.
It’s far too much fun.
Grandpa Jim
Foot Script: Germany beat the USA 1:0 to win Group G and advance. Despite losing to Germany, the US Team also advanced to the Round of 16. Portugal beat Ghana 2:1 to tie with USA for second place in the group (both teams having identical 1-1-1 records in group play), but the US lost today by only one goal to Germany while the German Team had beaten Portugal 4:0. That differential was the tie-breaker favoring the US Team. So, USA advances and will play again next Tuesday. Oh my, it is good such excitement happens only every four years — in our millennium, of course.